MISSION STATEMENT
The Fuck Death Foundation is an organization dedicated to the elimination of death through the generation and distribution of funds to strategically selected causes and initiatives worldwide.
Not only does the FDF effectively address the major precipitants of human demise worldwide, it also takes into consideration the most ruthlessly indiscriminate killer of all — oldness.
Please find below a letter that The Fuck Death Foundation sent to Death, on October 8, 2007, to notify him of our pursuit. We have yet to receive an official reply.
The Fuck Death Foundation's badass plan of attack is as follows.
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PHASE I — In the Beginning
Commencing on November 17, 2007 the FDF's first year of existence will be dedicated to establishing a sound operational structure, one that ensures optimal efficiencies for future death debilitating. Areas in which the organization will concentrate are the following:
a) Election of FDF board of directors: Board or die
History has proven that people will trade their expertise for snacks and refreshments. We call this phenomena, a “board of directors” and it will ensure that the FDF remains true to its mandate and pursues its end goal with intelligence and precision.
b) Fundraising: Get the money. Dolla dolla bills y'all!
Money talks and death still walks among us. A grass roots campaign will be initiated to subsidize our start up and operating costs. Set your wallets to give.
c) Infrastructure and administration: “Oprah Winfrey on line 1!”
Let's set the record straight once and for all: death fighters love staplers. Therefore we should get one, and some other things to surround it, like a desk or perhaps a telephone. So you can call us when you feel like it, no pressure! 1-877-DIE-DON'T
d) Review and Selection of benefactors: “Down from the glen came the marching men / With their shields and their swords / To fight the fight they believed to be right / Overthrow the overlords!”
Statistics indicate that 70% of mortalities worldwide are due to five illnesses; Infectious and Parasitic Disease, Cardiovascular Disease, Cancer, Respiratory Tract Infections, and AIDS. Working together with experts in the aforementioned fields, The Fuck Death Foundation will select groups that have proven worthy warriors in the fight against death. (Benefactors will be reassessed on a yearly basis and announced at our annual general meeting. Funds will be distributed at the end of each year during Phases 2 and 3 of the project)
Along with addressing the most notorious comrades of death, the foundation will also implement a Lighting Action Relief Fund that may be deployed to areas of the world that are experiencing a sudden spike in death rates, due to natural disaster, civil war, etc. Beginning in the Days of Defiance, this fund will be re-assessed on a bi-monthly basis to remain current, keeping the foundation agile and on the frontline of the struggle between life and death.
The resources dedicated to the life extension sciences will also be guided by consultation, although initially accounting for only a small percentage of funds distributed.
e) Charity Status: Fuck Death and Taxes!
The FDF will hire a lawyer and become a legally recognized charity organization, so that we may issue tax receipts and take everything to the next level. Belie Dat!
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PHASE II The Days of Defiance
Once we are up and running and have set our sights on the appropriate targets we can initiate our campaign of carpet-bombing death.
The Fuck Death Foundation is committed to a transitional model for achieving immortality. The Days of Defiance are marked by the majority of funds being directed towards the five leading causes of mortality.
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PHASE III Age of Agelessness
Once we have death on the ropes and the antidote for the five leading causes is within our grasp, we will have entered what we deem the Age of Agelessness. This period is marked by the majority of our funds being directed towards fighting the ageing process and death via being an old person.
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PHASE IV - Immortality
Who left their space robe in the teleportation machine?
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So, what are your new year's eve plans for the year 3000?
VICTORY OR DEATH!
FREQUENTLY
ASKED
QUESTIONS
Greetings, curious traveler. Welcome to the Zone of Common Inquiries also known as FAQ’s, where you may find exactly what you’re looking for! Or not, in which case, you should contact us and we will personally respond to your quest for the true meaning of the people, places and things related to The Fuck Death Foundation.
Isn't it natural to die? What's wrong with death?
Yes it is natural to die. As natural as it was in biblical times to be an old man at 20. As it was natural 100 years ago to die of small pox or the common flu.
Since the dawn of Us we’ve been in a perpetual arms race against death, be it through increased sanitation, improved nutrition, modern medicine or Cardio Funk Aerobics.
Let’s take this fight to its logical conclusion, the complete elimination of death. All for one, once and for all.
Is the goal of eliminating death realistic? How soon?
Yes. Continuing research into phenomena such as the Hayflick Limit are bringing us closer every day to the reality of human immortality. If we accept, as many do, Kurzweil’s Law of Accelerating Returns, the possibility of eliminating death in the foreseeable future seems not only plausible but probable.
What about the issue of overpopulation?
Once we have achieved the capacity to live forever, we as a society will have the privilege of choosing between death rate and birth rate.
It is worth noting that throughout nature there exists a negative correlation between a species lifespan and their reproductive rates. Fruit flies for example love having kids because they live for about, like, four seconds.
What life extension sciences will the foundation invest in?
At present, our intention is to support research in the field of Bio-gerontology as it relates to extending the human lifespan.
Are you against ageing?
Ageing is death. After around 25 the body starts to break down. A combination of factors, triggered metabolically, lead to death. So, in this sense, yes we are against ageing. Ideally ageing will be a matter of choice. In this scenario, we foresee individuals choosing to remain physically and mentally youthful.
How is the FDF different from other charitable foundations?
First off, we deal with immortality. Secondly, we don’t assume a purely altruistic position but rather propose an attractive win/win scenario for the donor, who, while investing in the potential of their own immortality, is assisting those faced with premature demise.
Do you have legal charity status?
We plan to be a recognized, tax-receipt-writing charity by the end of our first year. For now, rest assured that any support you give will be rewarded handsomely by the envy of every man and the lust of every woman, or the reverse of that, or both. Whatever works, it’s the 2000’s!
How will you select consultants?
Our desired consultants will be experts in their respective fields, innovative thinkers that have a serious hate-on for death.
If you believe you are eligible to provide council for the expedient destruction of the reaper please send your CV and cover letter to the email address below.
When should people die then?
It will be up to them, unless they get hit by a hover bus.
How much do the members of the foundation make?
Members of the foundation are not drawing salaries.
At present we are investing a substantial amount of personal resources (hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars) into the foundation to ensure a successful launch, into the as-of-yet un-chartered waters of charity work for indefinite self-preservation.
THE FUCK DEATH FOUNDATION
1-877-DIE-DON'T
